unHAPPILY MARRIED

Words Hurt

2012-01-31T10:01:00.000-08:00

While perusing through the pages of The 10 Commandments of Marriage by Ed Young, I came across the below passage and wanted to share.

"You know how most men and women respond to conflicts in marriage? They react with harsh words. They retaliate. They offer insult for insult. For instance,

"Why do you wear your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" a wife asks. Because it reminds me I married the wrong woman." he replies.
"We have a good marriage," says a wife, "because both of us love the same man - You!"
"You love football more than you love me," a woman complains. "Maybe so," her husband replies, "but I love you better than baseball."
"What do your husband and you have in common?" a counselor wondered. "One thing," the woman replied. "Neither one of us can stand the other."

The statements may be humorous, but they help illustrate the lowest common denominator to which many marriages sink in exchanging insult for insult, injury for injury. "

If you don't think you can feel words, think again...words hurt!

Don't Quit

2012-01-23T05:36:00.000-08:00

Your marriage is not yours to decide to quit. It belongs to two people and ultimately belongs to God. You'll take your marriage as seriously as you took your vows.

My Fish Plate

2012-01-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

My primary love language is Acts of Service. If hubby washes the dishes, makes the bed, vacuums, or anything of domestic nature, I'm a happy woman! Today, he came home with a fish plate just for me. I was ecstatic! I had just finished cooking dinner, but I sat down with my fish plate and ate like I was in heaven. Fish and French Fries is one of my favorite meals. Hubby's act of service was right on time. It was like he cooked dinner especially for me! I kissed him on the lips (rare for me) and this small gesture spoke volumes to him because his secondary love language is Physical Touch. He was ecstatic and said, "Is that all I have to do to get a kiss?" Yeah, buddy! Feed me and you can have all the kisses you want!!

2011-12-22T19:57:00.000-08:00


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from us! Our eyes are half shut, but we see great things in 2012! May your marriage be RICHLY blessed!

Speak My Love Language!

2011-11-18T08:12:00.001-08:00

Do you know your spouse's love language?

I've shared the Five Love Languages in a previous post and it's worth sharing again.
Hubby and I are facilitating a class titled, The Five Love Languages, and it's been a lot of fun. The other couple facilitating the class with us are genuine and open, which makes a difference in how the class is received.

So, back to my original question. Do you know your spouse's love language? Knowing it can change your marriage! We often speak a language comfortable to us or speak our own language, not realizing we may be neglecting our spouse's love language.

Love Language #1 - Words of Affirmation
Love Language #2 - Quality Time
Love Language #3 - Receiving Gifts
Love Language #4 - Acts of Service
Love Language #5 - Physical Touch

In the upcoming weeks, I'll share a little about each love language. To read more about the Five Love Languages and to take an assessment to learn your love language, click here

Ditch The Dream

2011-10-31T06:28:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from my first book, "We Snap in Silence"

"My unexpected expectations of my husband took me to a pool of dissatisfaction and I began to ask the question, "What happened?" Not only were these expectation unfair to him, they were damaging our marriage. I began planning my dream wedding when I was in high school by purchasing brides books and imagining exactly what my wedding dress would be like. Little emphasis were put on my marriage because all my attention was on the wedding ceremony. I had a dream and expected my husband to help make my dream come true. He didn't have a chance! I set him up for failure from the very beginning. When I shared my feelings of discontent with him, he was confused."

Expectations deliver one thing - disappointment.

Don't place expectations on your spouse!

2011-10-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

Marriage isn't what I make it, but what it makes me. Marriage molds two people into one through the trials, challenges, and storms of life. The more severe the storm, the stronger we stand.

Don't bail out, but pray to endure! Just when you're about to throw in the towel, the sun will peek through the dark clouds offering a ray of hope. Only the strong survive in marriage.

Help Me Be A Helpmate

2011-10-10T06:37:00.000-07:00

Shared from my Mom's Peace Bites Blog

Hubby hugged me and held me tightly – longer than usual. I went away for the weekend – only the weekend. Hubby’s hug only confirmed what my father recently said to me, “your husband needs you.” Daddy’s wisdom and God’s grace has kept me in my marriage because there are many days I don’t feel like being married. Daddy went on to explain how men try to run the household, but it’s really the women. A man may never admit to needing his wife, but they do. It’s not about the physical help (cooking and sex) as much as it is the emotional help. The weight of being the leader in the home with the responsibility of financially providing for others is a weight many wives will never comprehend. Single mothers can definitely relate, but the married ones take it for granted mainly because we help with the providing – I take it for granted. It somewhat bruises a man’s ego to know he needs help from a woman and men are full of ego.

Husbands need words of affirmation even when they aren’t stepping up to the plate like we think they should. Our help is what helps them step up, but our complaining and judging kills their manly spirit. I know my hubby needs me and the hug only reminded me, but can I get some of that help? Yes, that was my first thought, but of course God instructed me to lean on Him just a little more as a wife. I’m called to be a help mate, yet can barely help myself, but God is my helper! Thank you, Jesus! This morning when I heard hubby’s alarm clock, I saturated him in prayer and also asked God to empower me as a helpmate. Hubby needs my encouragement and support – again and again. Hubby needs my help – hubby needs me.

Are Women Equal to Men?

2011-08-22T04:11:00.000-07:00

I always knew this, but it actually came out of his mouth. My husband doesn't believe men and women are equal because man was created first. Oh. my. goodness.

Honey, I knew you were old school, but this is back in the woods NO school thinking. Sigh....God help me.

My response to hubby? I simply said, "Goodnight Irene."

2011-08-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

"Marriage is like going to a dance. Ask your partner to dance even if you don't like the current song playing." me

Enjoying Sex When Overweight

2011-08-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

7 Ways to Enjoy Sex While on Your Way from Fat to Fit!

Thanks, Sandy!

I "WORK!"

2011-08-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

I appreciate my husband going to work everyday - really, I do.

I use to homeschool our two sons, but they are both in school now and I am still at home. I'm sure hubby thinks I cook and clean all day, but I don't. I'm a writer, so I try to spend a few hours reading and writing everyday. I refuse to cook and clean all day, but sometimes that's how the day goes. There is always something to do.

Kevin gets a hot meal when he leaves the house every morning and a hot meal when he returns home - except on Fridays unless I just feel like cooking, which is rare. The least I can do for my working husband is feed him, right?

Kevin says he acknowledges what I do in the home as work, but he sure reminds me that he "WORKS" every day. He actually puts emphasis on the word "work." Okay, so what exactly are you trying to imply? That I don't work? Just because I don't leave the house and interact with co-workers and customers doesn't mean I don't work.

Today, I wasn't going to "work." I was going to relax with the boys and just enjoy the day. You know, take it easy. Before Kevin left for work this morning, he points out two bills that need to be paid. He's old school, so few bills are paid online, which means I have to leave the house, use unnecessary gas, and pay the bills in person. Good grief! Are you trying to make me "work?"

He also adds that I can go grocery shopping, but not to spend too much money. What? Today? Well, there goes my relaxing day! Sometimes I wonder if he finds things for me to do because he wants me to "work."

Regardless of what hubby thinks, I really do appreciate him getting up and going to work everyday. Men take pride in providing for their family and I especially take pride in hubby providing for us because I can stay at home and "work."

Speaking of "work," I guess I need to get up off my butt and get to "work." The boss left a list of things to do. A woman's "work" is never done.

Sigh...hen is my day off!

Temptation

2011-08-01T05:40:00.000-07:00

I attended my 30 year high school class reunion and not only did I see the faces of classmates I had not seen in years, I saw the face of temptation...

Read more here

Stick around for the rainbow

2011-07-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

I find this quote full of truth. Many marriages want to call it quits during difficult times. When the boat begins to rock, we want to bail, but there is always sunshine after the rain. It's walking through the storm that is the difficult part. We're afraid of the thunder or afraid we might get struck by a lighting bolt to our pride or to the heart.

Instead of allowing the storm to strengthen us, we seek shelter from it. We hide. We run away.

It's easier said than done, yes, but I've been there, done that, and have a few t-shirts!

Birthday Blessings

2011-06-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

Hubby came through with flying colors on my birthday. Being a writer, you'd think I'd have the latest and greatest equipment and programs to do what I do best, but I don't. I'm old fashioned and still use a pen and a pad of paper to write. I still use an old program of Word and Outlook. Funny huh? Well, hubby hooked me up for my birthday. He even purchased a few of my favorite things. It's good to know that your spouse knows what you like and what you need. It shows they are paying attention to the little things that bring you joy.

I admit, I'm not an easy person to shop for. Hmph...I'm not an easy person to do anything for! So, for hubby to bless me the way he did, he gets brownie points for the rest of the year. The longer we're married, the more we get to know each other and understand one another. We THOUGHT we knew each other when we said, I Do, but it takes years to merge into a oneness.

For those of you who are left wondering on birthdays and anniversaries, I've been there, done that, and have the t-shirt. It gets better over time, so hang in there and I choose to believe the spouse is doing the best they can!

Updating My Marriage!

2011-06-03T04:24:00.000-07:00

If my frequency to write on this site is any indication to how I treat my marriage, I'm headed for destruction. It's been a while since I posted here...LIFE happens. The family gets busy and I get distracted, so certain things are put on the back burner.

I tend to treat my marriage the same way - placing it on the back burner until I remember..."Oh! my husband needs some attention; he's supposed to be first!" Oops... As I mentioned, LIFE happens and the family gets busy, but keeping marriage a priority is so crucial. This weekend, I'll have to do a few special things to let hubby know he's still number one. Whether I feel like doing anything or not, letting time go by without nurturing your spouse takes a toll on the marriage.

Just as I've neglected this site, my husband has been neglected also. Do I feel neglected? LOL! Of course I do, but I must do MY part. Remember, how our spouse treats us is not our business. That's between them and God. I must do MY part and be accountable for my own actions! It doesn't matter if the spouse is understanding or not and it doesn't matter if they are guilty of this also. Every spouse wants to feel validated, feel special, and know they are number one!

I feel better knowing I've updated this site, so I KNOW I'll feel better updating my marriage! It's time for renewal!

Be good to your spouse!

Behind The Scenes

2011-05-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

Me: "Good Morning, my priest, provider, and protector!"

Kevin: "Good Morning, my queen, meal maker, clothes cleaner, and housekeeper."

Me: SILENCE

Me: "Can I put this on our blog?"

Kevin: Laughs

You see what I deal with? Kevin sure better thank God that I know Jesus, that I KNOW my role in the home and in our marriage, and especially that I have a sense of humor! His old school ways will drive a woman away!

I later called him at work to tell him I loved him. Below is our conversation...

Me: "Hey there, how is your day going?"

Kevin: "Hot!"

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I just called to say I love you."

Kevin: "I love you too. What are you doing?"

Me: "Getting dinner ready."

Kevin: "Oh, you're being my meal maker?"

Me: "Yeah, now get back to work, Provider!"

The conversation ended in laughter and I HAD to write about it....release...release...release...

Let Me Help You

2011-05-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

When hubby and the boys asks me what I want for Mother's day, I usually say the motherly correct answers such as, "being your mother is the only gift I need" or "Nothing, I have everything I could ever want or need" or "Love, Peace, and Happiness"
This Mother's Day was different. I made a list of specific things I wanted. It wasn't a long list, but just a few of my favorite things: sushi, chocolate ice cream, Chunkie Chips, control of the television remote, and to be left alone.

I received everything on my list and it was the best Mother's Day I ever had. Hmmm...I guess I need to help them out more often instead of hoping they'll think of things I enjoy or hoping they'll do anything at all. Believe me, I've had Mother's Day celebrations where I ended up in the kitchen cooking. I'm not a big fan of Mother's Day anyway, but who doesn't want to be validated? If mothers only have one day out of the year, good grief get it right!

Hubby was happy yesterday also because I was happy. He didn't stress the big day and as a matter of fact, he went overboard and purchased a few other snacks to make my day special. I couldn't eat everything, but I sure tried. I enjoy food instead of flowers....take me to dinner instead of a move!

This morning, Kevin mentioned that Mother's Day is the only day I can make a list. Hmmm..my birthday is next month, so I guess he caught a clue. Too funny! All these years I expected him to make those special days special and all those years, he needed a little help from his HELPMATE. Some men are good at it and some need a little help. My hubby needed a little help.

YOUR Royal Wedding

2011-04-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

Let the royal wedding be a reminder that your

wedding day and your vows are royal before God.

I'm Leaving!

2011-04-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

I always joke (I think I'm joking) with hubby about leaving him when the boys leave for college. Once the boys graduate, I won't have to cook or clean as much. FREEDOM! Hubby and I can do our own thing and go our separate ways. Well, I recently reminded hubby of this thought while at my parent's home this weekend and guess what hubby did? He immediately ran and told my parents like they would rescue him or something. It was hilarious! I pictured a little boy running to tell that his friend said a bad word. Are you serious?

I'm not sure what my parents told him, but I heard a lot of laughter. Hubby later told me he couldn't believe I would leave him in the cold. I let him know I would wait until the summer months if that would help him. LOL!
Humor in a marriage is medicinal for me. If I take it too seriously all the time, I don't think I would be here.

I Don't Have a Husband Anymore

2011-04-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, I still have a husband.

I actually had someone tell me she didn't feel she has a husband anymore because he was so disconnected. You would never know it to look at them because they are usually always together, yet there is little to no conversation. They've been this way for a few years, but her only desire is to renew her marriage. I think this is so beautiful because after a year of no conversation, the 'D' word would have come out of my mouth.

Love, commitment, patience, understanding, long suffering, acceptance, humility and a few other powerful love qualities are definitely necessary to withstand trying times in a marriage - even if the storm lasts for more than you think you can tolerate. You never know until you've been there!

This woman waiting and wanting restoration in her marriage is an amazing example of what marriage is about. Not knowing much about her husband besides the one-sided story I heard from her, everyone deserves another chance...or do they? Does it depend on the situation? If so, would that be called conditional love? I believe they've been married for over 20 years, so they've already experienced their share of storms. This is also proof of the various seasons marriages go through as we age together. Aging brings on another set of issues to deal with - adult children, frequency of sex or lack of, menopause, and even the mid-life crisis some men experience.

Whatever the case, be still in your storm. It HAS to pass! Have you ever known a storm to last forever? The storm may tear up a few things and scare the heck out of you, but after it passes and clean up is done, you hardly know a storm came through!

Be encouraged!

Not Tonight, Honey

2011-04-06T06:55:00.000-07:00

Although strange...it's true. As much as men enjoy sex, some lose interest.

Below is an article from Focus on the Family

When Your Husband Isn't Interested in Sex

Hostile Husbands

2011-04-01T04:07:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from Fascinating Womanhood

"When a marriage has had real problems and then the wife makes a devoted effort to improve it by applying the principles of Fascinating Womanhood, it can cause a peculiar reaction in her husband which I call Pandora's Box. In this case, when Fascinating Womanhood is applied, instead of the man being loving and tender, he may become violent and pour out resentments and hostile feeling towards his wife.

It is important for the wife to understand the change which is taking place within the man, which cause this violent outburst. I can explain it in this way: If a man's marriage has been "shaky, " he may have suppressed resentful feelings towards his wife in order to hold his marriage together. When she has made mistakes which have hurt him or disappointed him, instead of expressing these troubled feelings, he may have felt it necessary to suppress them in order to avoid further marriage problems or even a marriage failure. This is not to say that he acted wisely, but only to say that he did so out of what he felt was a necessity."

My thoughts...
I found the above excerpt to be very true in my own marriage. When I decided to make changes years ago, it was like hubby was saying, "The nerve of you!" I had to simply understand that just because I changed didn't mean he was expected to receive it on MY time. Of course, he eventually came around and realized the change was real and our marriage could benefit. He even made changes of his own. These things take time and a lot of patience and understanding. If your marriage has been rocky for a number of years, it is highly unlikely it will change over night.

Six Characteristics of Men

2011-03-29T03:09:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from Fascinating Womanhood

Six Characteristics of Men

His need to be accepted at face value
His need for admiration
His sensitive masculine pride
His need for sympathetic understanding
His need to be No. 1
His need to serve as a guide, protector and provider to feel needed in this role, and to excel women in doing so

Accepting Your Husband

2011-03-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from "Fascinating Womanhood":

Rules for Acceptance

1. Get rid of self righteous attitude

2. Accept him as part virtue, part fault

3.Give him his freedom to be himself

4. Don't try to change him

5. Don't use other men as shining examples.

6. Look to his better side.

7. Express your acceptance with words.

Can You Change Your Husband?

2011-03-07T07:02:00.000-08:00

Fascinating Womanhood Excerpt:

Why do Women Try to Change Men?

1. For Her Own Good.
His faults bring problems and deprivation int her life, robbing her of some of the things she really wants.

2. For His Own Good.
Many well meaning women will say, "If you really love and care about someone, it is important to see that they get the best out of life. Therefore, I must change my husband for his own good."

There are four reasons why women should not try to change men.
1. It creates marriage problems.
2. It can destroy love.
3. It can cause a man to rebel.
4. It doesn't work.

Hubby says I changed him a lot when we met. He SAYS I started dressing him like a nerd. Excuse me? He was already dressing like a homeless nerd, so I HAD to help him out! I also gave him a little culture like exposing him to plays and musicals and other things to do on dates besides dinner and a movie. Well, you may not be able to change a man, but you can sure give him some training!

More on Fascinating Womanhood to come...

Accepting Your Husband

2011-03-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

Excerpt from Fascinating Womanhood:

What Does Acceptance Mean?

Acceptance means that we accept him for the man he is. We accept his ways, his hopes and dreams or his lack of dreams. We accept his ideas, his interests and his weaknesses. We accept the little quirks in his personality, his religious views, and his political views and any traits he may have, for better or for worse. We are doing more than accepting him - we are accepting his right to be himself. We may not agree with his ideas, but we respect his right to his own viewpoint. We may notice his weaknesses, but we accept this as normal in a human being. We accept him as he is and look to his better side.

Acceptance does not mean tolerance, or "putting up with him': nor does it mean dishonesty - that we must convince ourselves he is perfect when he is not. Nor does it mean resignation. Acceptance is a happy state of mind when we realize that our responsibility is not in making him over, but in appreciating him for what he is.

To be continued....

For more on "Fascinating Womanhood" click here

What a Man Wants

2011-02-24T13:42:00.000-08:00

I'm revisiting the book, "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. The book was written in 1963, so of course it has the old fashioned values of marriage, but values really haven't changed - people have. The book shares 'inspirational feminine secrets that can save your marriage and enrich your life'.

I'll be sharing a few excerpts from the book as I read it. It's that good! Everyone can improve their marriage and since mine is on a high right now, I'd like to keep it there for a while.

Fascinating Womanhood Excerpt:

"The ideal woman from a man's point of view is divided into two parts. The one part is her spiritual qualifications. We will call this side of her the Angelic. The other part relates to her human characteristics. We will call this side of her the Human. The Angelic side of a woman has to do with her basic good character, her ability to understand men, their feelings, needs, and sensitive nature. It also includes her domestic skills and the ability to succeed in her feminine role in the home. It includes a quality of inner happiness or tranquility of spirit which is a part of womanly beauty.
The Human side refers to a woman's appearance, manner, and actions and includes the charms of femininity, radiance, and a quality of dependence upon men for their care, protection, and guidance. It also includes good health and a feminine dignity of spirit or spunk. The Angelic and the Human combine to make the perfect woman from the man's point of view. They are both essential in winning his genuine love."

To be continued...

The Definition of Marriage

2011-02-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

Marriage is the process by which two people who love each other make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is increasingly cut short by divorce. Of course, over the course of a relationship that can last as many as seven or eight decades, a lot happens. Personalities change, bodies age, and romantic love waxes and wanes. And no marriage is free of conflict. What enables a couple to endure is how they handle that conflict. So how do you manage the problems that inevitably arise? And how can you keep the spark alive?

Source: Psychology Today

2011-02-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to you!

I know this is a very special day to many of you, so I hope your day is full of love and joy!

No Chocolates, Please!

2011-02-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

Don't measure a couple by the fun things you see them do,

but by how they stand after they've gone through.

Pornography - Can it help? Can it hurt?

2011-01-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

I personally believe pornography hurts marriages, and I realize I'm probably in the minority regarding this issue. Below are some pros and cons of pornography in marriage.

Pornography in Marriage

Cons - Reasons People Believe Pornography Hurts Marriages

Guilt, mistrust, and anger about pornography can tear your marriage apart.

Turning to pornography may cause your spouse to withdraw from your relationship because he receives instant gratification from his fantasies.

When your husband views porn you may feel disrespected, take it personally, and believe that you aren't enough for him. This can create a wedge in your marriage.

Pornography could make it difficult for your husband to see sex as a loving form of communication. As a result, pornography can decrease sexual satisfaction within your marriage.

Pros -- Reasons People Believe Pornography Does Not Hurt Marriages

A wife may think, "How can he say he loves me and look at this smut?" Looking at a pretty woman doesn't mean a man doesn't enjoy making love to his wife. It is an entirely different part of their lives that is separate from their marriage.

Some sexual experts believe a sexual relationship can be enhanced when imagination is allowed to run free.

If your sexual intimacy with one another is not being replaced by your husband's porn viewing, then it should not be an issue in your marriage.

If your husband is viewing porn, it can only hurt you if you allow it to. If you aren't insecure and have a good self-image, your husband's porn use won't hurt you.

Talk With One Another About Pornography

Discussing this issue with trust and honesty without accusing one another is the first step in dealing with pornography. Sexual therapists suggest that partners not try to censor one another's thoughts or to force one another to view offensive material.

Whether or not pornography will add to or lessen a couple's sexual enjoyment is up to each couple.

Source - About.com.marriage

Not Your Business

2011-01-18T06:57:00.000-08:00

I heard the below statement on a marriage program yesterday and thought I'd share.

It's not your business how your spouse treats you.
This is between your spouse and God.

Your only business should be how you treat your spouse.

This is so true and I believe I've mentioned this more than once in some way or another. We spend a lot of time thinking about how we are treated when we should focus on our self and our own actions.

Q and A

2011-01-16T06:05:00.000-08:00

LaVender,

My husband and I took some time off work and we reconnected as people in love during that time (lunch, a movie, laughter and conversation, etc.). Married couples get to this place where the woman treats the man like one of her children (fussing, nagging, etc.) and the man treats the woman like one of his annoying co-workers. Why is that?!?
Anonymous

A

Anonymous,

I don't claim to be a marriage expert, and this is just my opinion.

The longer I’m married, I realize our relationship is like an old t-shirt or a pair of sweats that are raggedy as @#!*% . We feel so comfortable in the old sweats or t-shirt and just can’t let it go. Nothing else in our closet makes us feel as comfortable, yet we wouldn’t dare wear it outside the house. As comfortable as the t-shirt is, there comes a time when you need to buy something new – keep the t-shirt, but buy a new one every now and then…just like marriage – keep the comfy feeling (no one else makes us feel this way), but sometimes we need to reNEW the relationship.

Getting comfortable is actually a good thing in marriage if it's not abused. Think about it. How many people can you do what you do and look like you look with your spouse? We're able to let our guards down and simply be who we really are - without masks. The only problem with this comfy feeling is when we take advantage of our comfort space. Instead of showing our spouse how much we appreciate being comfortable with them and growing old together, we misuse our old sweats and forget to treat them as special as we would a new pair of sweats.

LaVender

Can You Do It?

2011-01-05T12:59:00.000-08:00

Can you do it?

Are you strong enough?

Humble enough?

Can you be wrong even when you know you're right?

Stop fighting...give in...surrender!

Am I A Punk?

2010-12-27T05:10:00.000-08:00

I spoke with a gentleman recently who said he felt like a punk for staying in his marriage. He is a good husband and takes good care of his wife and family, yet feels his kindness is mistaken for weakness. His wife has never expressed this and only appreciates her husband's efforts.

Ego and pride can destroy any relationship.

HUMILITY is the key.

I believe this gentlemen is experiencing what meekness or humility is without knowing the meaning of the word. Yes, humility can make you feel like a punk if you don't understand it, but thinking less of yourself and putting your spouse's needs before your own shows great character. Many are not able to show humility in marriage and have a 'what about me' attitude. As crazy as it sounds, when we put the needs of others first, the return may take a while, but the rewards are more than amazing.

Showing humility is important when it comes to spiritual warfare in marriage. It makes a huge difference in our reaction and actions towards our spouse. Humility is another form of forfeiting the last word. Humility is servant-hood. Humility invites personal growth and growth in marriage. If you're feeling like a punk, you may be showing humility.

Forfeit The Last Word

2010-12-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

We can prevent many of our marriage battles if we prevent the battles in our mind first. A simple word or thoughtless act can trigger unnecessary retaliation. Oftentimes, a simple situation will settle itself in silence. Not vindictive silence, but silence allowing our spouse to process what he/she said and silence allowing ourselves to realize that we don't need to comment on everything. Every comment doesn't need a response.

When something is done or said that we don't like, our first thought is usually to defend ourselves or to share our point of view. If you've never tried it before, try saying absolutely nothing if a question is not asked. This is where the battle begins - self control and mind control. It's a battle to keep quiet - for some of us.

"No way will she/he get away with this!" "Who does she/he think they are?" ""Excuse me?" "No one is going to treat me this way!" "I deserve better." These are just a few of the internal mind battles that quickly cross our mind before we open lips and discharge fighting words.

From my own experience of wanting the last word because I KNOW I'm right, not responding has worked like a charm for me. Kevin and I would battle over some of the most trivial issues.Our prideful personalities would get in the way and before we new it, we were in battle. Now, I control and conquer the battle in my mind FIRST - this is also spiritual warfare. Sometimes my mind will say be silent, but my loose lips will want to run away with hurtful words. This takes practice - a lot of practice if you have loose lips topped with a hot temper, BUT it can be done! I'm a witness.

So, why not try this if you haven't already. If you do and fail, I'm sure you'll have another opportunity. You may be surprised at your spouse's reaction to your silence. Remember, this isn't a vindictive silence, but a silence of humility to forfeit the last word.

To be continued

Anonymous Email

2010-12-04T21:03:00.000-08:00

LaVender, I can't tell you how much I miss my husband and my marriage. Marriage is sacred and when we allow the enemy to come in a little bit he takes over.

I prayed and asked God to deliver me and he did.When I was home I felt as if I was going to die staying in that house. The sleepless nights, being awaken out of my sleep having to fight with a spouse on drugs. I almost lost my life but I continued to pray and ask the Lord to deliver me from the hand of the enemy, not knowing that sometimes the enemy can be right in the same bed with you.

I thank God for sending me through all that I went through because it was all for his Glory. LaVender I thank God for you and Kevin. Just seeing what you are going through makes me know that some how some way I will make it to the other side. I'm praying that the Lord will bless me with the man that is prepared for me so that I may be his help mate and love him as Christ has loved the Church.

Pray for me as I Pray for you. May God Bless You and Keep you is my prayer.

Anonymous Reader

The above email was much longer, but I chose (with permission) to share only a small part which pertains to spiritual warfare in marriage. I highlighted one sentence in particular. We often invite the enemy in our home without realizing it and before you know it, he has set up camp in our home and made himself comfortable in our marriage. How do we invite him? Unforgiveness, pride, selfishness, lies, deceit, bad choices, emotional affairs, and ugly thoughts are just a few personal invites. We allow ourselves to assist in the destruction of our own marriage through our actions.

The spiritual warfare begins in us before it shows up in our marriage.

To be continued...

This anonymous reader chose to leave her marriage. Abuse of no form is not up for discussion on this blog.

Prayer in Marriage

2010-11-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

I've waited so long to begin posting about spiritual warfare in marriage because I really didn't know where to begin! Marriage is an everyday spiritual battle - for me. If you are striving to please God in your marriage, there is NO WAY you can escape being tested and tried from day to day. Satan's job is to steal, kill, and destroy - marriage is not excluded.

One important thing to remember is the power of prayer. Many make the mistake and pray only when the marriage is in trouble. From my own experience, I've learned to pray throughout the day as if I'm going through a storm and can't see my way out. No, I don't go around chanting prayer or scripture out loud, but I am always aware of the possibility of an unexpected 'outbreak' in my marriage, so I stay in fighting position - in prayer.

I pray for my husband before I get out of bed in the morning, I cover him in prayer as he prepares for work, I pray for him on his way out the door, I pray for him with every thought I have of him throughout the day. The wonderful part of this is that he has no idea how often I pray for him. I also pray for myself throughout the day to stay connected to my power source in order to be the loving woman God created me to be. When my connection is not secure, I'm a lose cannon waiting to aim and fire.

I haven't always been a prayer warrior. I THOUGHT I was a prayer warrior. Maybe within the last year is when I truly understood the power of praying without ceasing in my marriage. Oh how I wish I had been a praying woman in my earlier years of marriage.

Just when you think it's safe to stop praying, your marriage will be shaken. There is no time to get comfortable in marriage and not pray. A simple word can be spoken to start an argument, your spouse may be missing in action, the past may trigger an unhappy thought, or a simple misunderstanding becomes a complicated mess.

Prayer can prevent a happy day turning sour....

to be continued....

Awww, You Shouldn't Have!

2010-11-19T07:42:00.000-08:00

Before I begin the series on Spiritual Warfare in Marriage, I need to share how my consistent prayers have been working. Read this

I will NOT complain...each act of kindness, regardless how small, should be acknowledged!

No More Prayers?

2010-11-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

"I'm tired of praying for my husband!"

I hear this comment more than you'll ever believe. So many women are at the end of their rope and are tired of praying for their husbands and seeing no results. Are there really no visible results or are we looking for a miracle? I say 'we' because I've made that statement before myself. Although I always end up back in prayer position, we do get weary sometimes. Marriage is a battle.

I've come to the conclusion that a wife's CHARGE to help her husband is not an option, but an order - a command...if you believe in God's marriage. Only the strong will survive and although you may get mentally and spiritually beat up, you win if you don't give up. I will share in upcoming posts how to remain spiritually strong in the battle of marriage.

It's easy to throw in the towel. God knows I use to keep a towel ready and recently looked for my towel. After I BOLDLY shared the power of prayer in marriage, Miss Flesh showed her behind! My, my, my!

Endurance, Perseverance, Obedience, Determination. These qualities are CRUCIAL in a marriage.

Stay tuned for Spiritual Warfare in Marriage

2010-10-18T05:04:00.000-07:00

NOTHING works in a marriage like the power of prayer.

No counselor, book, preacher, church, technique,

tips, steps, or your own ideas.

If you tried everything else, try GOD.

I'm a living witness...we've been to hell and back several times and on the verge of divorce more than once and STILL going through the trials of life and NOTHING works like God through the power of prayer.

Feel free to email me!

Guard Your Heart in Marriage

2010-09-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

Wow...divorce is everywhere and closer to home than I care to imagine. I recently read an article titled, Guarding Your Heart in Marriage, and wondered why we don't guard our marriages more. We guard our homes by making sure the doors and windows are locked. Some couples live in gated communities. We guard our cars with car alarms. We guard our belongings by keeping them locked up! We should definitely be more aware of guarding our marriage!

Read the article here.

Touch Me!

2010-09-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a rough, hormonal day for me, but I got through it and hubby survived.

Read about it here

Feeling The Tingles

2010-09-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

This morning I told my husband that I wanted the tingles; I love the tingles. You know, that feeling that you get all over when you're around someone who lights your fire - someone who makes you feel electrified - that feeling you feel when you're falling in love. You know the feeling I'm talking about.

Tingles can occur with a co-worker, a church member, a neighbor, or a complete stranger. If you're feeling the tingles for anyone except your spouse, it's time to run the other way. Tingles produce other feelings that lead to physical touch. I told hubby I wanted to feel the tingles again from him - nobody else. He seemed surprised when I told him I didn't always feel the tingles with him. Uh...sometimes I can't stand being around you! Hubby SAID he always feels the tingles with me and although that was so sweet to say, I find it hard to believe. I'm sure when I get on his nerves, tingly is not the feeling he feels! LOL

Time is invaluable in marriage and often taken for granted. We put a lot of time in our careers, school studies, children, church, hobbies, sports, friends, etc...How much time do we invest in each other? Spending time together (like we did when we first met) is when the tingles are created. Focusing on each other and MAKING time to be ALONE is tingle time! It's okay to go out with other couples and have family nights (hubby is excellent about family nights), but a flower not watered will die.

Make time to spend time alone with your spouse and feel the tingles!

I Have a Headache

2010-09-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sex is waaay more important to a man than a woman will ever understand. We've all heard the phrase saying the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right? Well, I recently read an article that agreed with me that the way to a man's heart is NOT through his stomach...go a little lower! SEX, SEX, SEX....do I need to say it again? Okay, SEX! One track minds, thinking with the wrong head, or however you want to say it, men want SEX....waaay more than most wives want to give it.

Below is an article from Focus on the Family that I'd like to share.

Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs

Snoop Dog Keeping It Real in Marriage

2010-08-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Snoop Dog was on The View recently and was asked about the secret to keeping the spice in his 13 year marriage. Snoop's answer was to have a lot of arguments. That's what I'm talking about...keeping it real.
Snoop Dog and his wife were in the middle of a divorce when Snoop decided to reconcile. Thank God they did because they are stronger than ever as they deal with their daughter's challenging disease, Lupus.

This is definitely one couple that has been through more than a few storms. Snoop's music and videos alone is enough to argue about, but to each his own. He obviously is married to the woman that was chosen specifically for him - one that can deal with his career, the videos, the women, the long hours, the media, etc...

Oh yea, guess what Snoop Dog calls his wife? Boss Lady! Gotta love it!

I Surrender!

2010-08-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a while since I posted!

What have hubby and I been up to? Not much. Just living life and taking our unhappily moments as they come and loving each other through each one.

I've been learning to not have to have the last word when we have heated discussions. I know I'm right, but I'm learning I don't always have to prove it. LOL! I'm not being silent in an ugly way (I don't think I am), but in a way to show I can disagree without being disagreeable. I'm surrendering my words, my pride to be right, and my opinion. I hope I'm making sense.

Through my surrender of opinion, we both have time to process what is being said and how crazy both of us sometimes sound. This definitely invites more peace in the home and withing MYSELF! It's almost scary to know that most of the heat from our heated discussions was coming from me. WHAT?! It takes two to tango, so if one shuts up...there is no tango - only sweet tang.

It comes a time in a couple's marriage that some things just have to die - attitudes, pride, selfishness. I guess this is why older couples always seem to be at peace with one another. They've had all the arguments and heated discussions. They've dealt with selfish ways and prideful point making in conversations. They've realized that what is important is harmony and happiness in a marriage. They've realized their time together is limited and tomorrow is not promised.

Marriage is definitely an evolution and it makes a happy oneness when we learn to surrender ourselves and let our spouse win. I surrender!

Men of God and Marriage

2010-08-06T05:16:00.000-07:00

I spoke with a woman yesterday about an upcoming writing workshop I'll be hosting for aspiring authors. I asked her what her book was about and she said it was regarding husbands not loving their wives. Hmmm... She continued by saying the husbands she'll be referring to are those in the church claiming to love God, but mistreat their wives at home. Hmmm....She also added that many of these men hold leadership positions in the church and her knowledge of countless women (herself included) who are in these marriages and feel compelled to stay in the marriage because the church says they should.

Hmmm...didn't I recently write something about why women stay in unhappy marriages? Wow. This is so sad, but obviously holds more truth than I care to believe. This woman is in her late sixties and has dealt with an unloving husband for many years. She is unable to verbally express herself, so she wants to write it.
She is a church going woman and led me to believe her husband holds a position in their church.

Enough is enough....I say again....the husbands aren't crazy for how they treat their wives. The wives are crazy for allowing it and for believing God wants them to remain in an abusive relationship. This is called brainwashing - programming - CONTROL. This is WRONG and not even a little bit of it is right. Don't try to validate it - ABUSE IS WRONG. I don't care if it's mental, physical, verbal, or emotional - abuse is abuse and NO ONE should HAVE TO stay in an abusive relationship.

She Left Her Husband!

2010-07-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

She did it - she actually left her husband.

A dear friend of mine has been unhappy in her marriage since the beginning. Trying to do the right thing and make things work, her husband never responded. She couldn't take it any more, so she packed up a few things and left. Not knowing where she was going or how long she'd be gone, she found the nerves to leave.

As I mentioned in the previous post, my father shared with me that sometimes you have to leave a man to get
his attention. Guess what? Three days later, she returned. He had not called to see where she was nor did he call friends or family to inquire her location. He didn't know if she was dead or alive, BUT....

He changed! Can you believe this? He's showing initiative with physical touch, washing a few dishes, PLUS going places and doing things with her. He didn't believe she would ever leave and that's the problem in many marriages. Men think women will continue to take their mess year after year and they don't believe we have the nerves to walk out.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! (Gomer Pyle voice)

Anyway, my dear friend says she will stay on her toes and not get comfortable with the 'happy' moment in their marriage. Time has a way of .....well, you know. Things can be okay for a while and before you know it, things go back to normal.

The key is to stay on top of the marriage.

Stay prayerful - don't wait for confusion to pray.
Love your spouse - even when they act unlovable (just do your part)
Out-serve your spouse - place his/her needs before your own
Don't be so predictable! Spontaneity is spicy - samo samo is boring

Why Wives Stay

2010-07-14T05:25:00.000-07:00

Why do unhappy wives stay married? Obligation, Religious Views, Guilt, Children, etc...

Lately, a few wives have been sharing that their husbands won't attempt to communicate with them, won't respond to their physical advances, won't take them anywhere, but go places with friends and other family members, won't talk except out of necessity, and just being a down right dirty dog.

These same men expect their wife to stay in the marriage and perform so-called wifely duties. Hmmm...I completely understand and support staying in a marriage through thick and thin, but when a man is mentally abusive or just plain mean, uh...we have a problem.

After going through this for a year or two, it's time to get the heck out of dodge. It doesn't necessarily mean divorce, but my own father told a friend of mine that sometimes in order to get a man's attention, you gotta leave. A woman has to find the nerve to walk away from the mess and give her man time to think about their dirty work and the 'good thing' they are mistreating.

What gives anyone the right to think they can mistreat someone and expect them to take it day after day, year after year. This is crazy! They aren't crazy for doing it, the recipient is crazy for allowing them to do it. How long will you allow this to go on? For some women, it's best to leave before you reach a point and snap. Then you'll regret either hurting him or yourself.

No, I'm not telling anyone to file for divorce papers, but when you've done all you can do in the name of praying, forgiving, showing compassion, understanding, and everything short of kissing butt, it's time to STAND DOWN- GET OUT OF GOD'S WAY - LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY.

No person deserves to be mistreated!

Misery

2010-07-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

Remember the movie, Misery?

This was the first movie we saw together. We saw it in Miami, Florida when our ship pulled into port. Gooood Movie! Misery came on television again this weekend and although we only caught the end of it, I told hubby I should have known by our first date that I was going to have a life of hell and horror. LOL!

Love is blind and I didn't know my husband enjoyed scary movies so much. He read a lot of Stephen King while we dated and I just didn't catch the signs. Horror and scary movies...I can't stand them, but hubby loves them. I watch them with him sometimes and he enjoys it, but Mama always told me not to start something I wasn't going to finish. Well, I started watching scary movies with hubby by watching Misery, so I'm stuck.

I also told hubby this is how we should begin celebrating our anniversaries. Going out to dinner and watching Misery! Sounds like a book title doesn't it? Marriage and Misery. LOL!

I'm so happy we both have a sense of humor!

Older Women and Wisdom

2010-06-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

I spoke with a dear friend yesterday who is in her 60s and has been divorced for many years. I shared my peri-menopausal marriage emotions with her and she told me she would love to be married again.
"What? Why?"

I couldn't wrap my mind around her comment, but continued to listen. I mean, my goodness...why at 60 years old would you want to complicate your life? She mentioned having companionship and how the marriage would definitely have to be about compromise. She said a few other things that made sense. I begin to process her words in my peri-menopausal mind and thought....well, once in my 60s, I have no idea what my emotions will be. You sure can't throw people away and pick them up based on emotions.

The word that stuck the most in my head was compromise. As couples grow older and change, compromise must definitely play a major role and this only comes with communication.

With age comes wisdom.

Scary Menopausal Thoughts

2010-06-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

I've been having some scary thoughts lately and I'd like to blame them on peri-menopause.

Sigh...nothing at all against my husband who provides for his family and loves us, but I'm not sure I want to be married anymore. I pray this is menopause and the thought will pass. It's not a funny situation, but believe me, I'm laughing out loud! Me? Previous facilitator of our church's couples' ministry? Me? Founder of Momsweb? Me? Encourager to many wives in struggling marriages? Yep, I'm LOL for sure!

I now understand why couples who have been married for 20, 30, 40 years get divorced!

Wives get tired of being wives! For over half of our life, we've nurtured others. When peri-menopause hits, some things happen in a woman's body and mind that gives her a desire to want to nurture herself the last half of her life.

To be continued....

No Children

2010-06-16T03:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted and it's because our children were gone, so I used the free time for "me" time.
In the evenings, Kevin and I would do something special and guess what it was?

Yep! We sat in front of the television like professional couch potatoes. I think we've got it down! In Kevin's
defense, he did try to take me out to dinner, but my behind was so glued to the sofa, I didn't want to move.
I was happy and content. Mom's Taxi was put to rest and I took advantage of the rest.

The children are back now and things have gotten back to normal, but we enjoyed our couch experience and our alone time!

Did Menopause Cause This?

2010-06-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

Menopausal Symptoms

2010-06-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

34 Menopausal Symptoms

Safe Menopause Solutions

Marriage - Moods - Menopause

2010-05-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be married anymore

This scary thought pops into my mind often when the menopause madness mood hits me.

I don't want to answer to anyone

I don't want to be bothered

I don't want to be looked it

I don't want to be touched

I just want to be left ALONE!

Thank God the mood doesn't linger. It could be minutes, hours, or days later and I'm back in love with hubby. CRAZY!

Recognizing what is going on with your body makes a difference. I could either allow this thought to marinate or make sure I do what is necessary to balance my mental state and my hormones.

Next post, I'll share the many symptoms women experience through the peri-menopause/menopause season. You may have all of them or just a few, but it's good to be aware.

Where Did That Come From?

2010-05-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

"Where did that come from?"

This is a question I hear from my husband a lot lately because peri-menopause has taken over the part of my brain that controls my mouth. I thought I spoke my mind before, but NOW I really, really speak my mind.

Knowing what is going on with my peri-menopausal mind and body allows me to at least try to control my free tongue, but oftentimes it gets away from me.

"Where did that come from?" I ask myself this question when uninvited words and emotions fly without control. My goodness...I thought PMS was bad.

Thank God there is medicine and other alternative products to assist women in getting through this life transition. Me? I'm trying to do it without the hormone replacements and concentrate on good nutrition, exercise, soy products, prayer/meditation, and whatever else offers peace of mind.

Kevin is truly a trooper as I go through my life changing symptoms such as night sweats and mood swings. I asked him what he thought about this whole menopause matter and he said, "Just teach me about it, so I won't have to hit you in the head." Ooookay...but not if I hit you in the head first, dear hubby!

Menopause and Marriage

2010-05-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

Menopause and Marriage - Does it mix?

Uh.....this is another topic rarely discussed among women and it's something we will ALL experience on some level.

I'm in the peri-menopause stage now and let me tell you....this is not a fun ride for me or Kevin. Peri-menopause is the looooong journey before full menopause (end of menstrual flow) occurs.

Young women, take notes! Take care of your body NOW!

The next few posts, I'll share my own experiences plus a few experiences of close friends as we endure peri-menopause and menopause in marriage.

Symptoms will be discussed and resources will be shared.

Stay tuned....stay informed....and stay married through your menopause!

Sick Husbands

2010-05-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

Hubby is an extremely hard worker and it is funny as heck to watch my 6'3" man turn into a baby when he becomes ill. It's tooo funny! I have a hard time adjusting to his child-like ways and he definitely looks for the motherly compassion that I have to dig deep to deliver.

It comes natural for me to play nurse maid to our sons, but a man in pull ups is hilarious to me. Is he serious? What ever happened to, "You're not my mother." Make up your mind...do you want me to be your mother or not?"

Not all men are like this - some are just the opposite. You can't get them to admit they feel bad, take medicine, or go to the hospital.

I think the funniest part about men getting sick is that they are never too sick to get busy in the bedroom. Wait a minute...I thought you were sick!

Sharing Her Struggle

2010-05-07T04:28:00.000-07:00

Building a Pure Marriage

By Robin Weidner

"He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." – Psalm 18:19
Almost every week, I receive an e-mail from a woman from somewhere across the country whose marriage has been shaken to the very core by impurity. With a note of desperation, she expresses her anguish, fear and anger. Each of these women explain their mate's plunge into impurity – everything from addiction to pornography to being arrested for voyeurism.

Why do they contact me for help with such heart-rending struggles? Not because I'm a professional counselor (which I'm not). Rather, because I'm a fellow struggler who, through many tears, much prayer and abundant mercy from God, has found a good and spacious place.

There have been moments where I didn't think my husband Dave and I would make it. Although he had fought impurity since he was 12, his battle with sexual addiction took him places I never dreamed could be part of a Christian marriage. And as the firstborn daughter of an alcoholic, I was well versed in codependency. Eventually, the near break-up of our marriage thrust us both into recovery, including extensive counseling.

Yet, priceless gifts have resulted from our battles. Sexual addiction drove me to the depths of insecurity, but also into the arms of my God – culminating in my first book. I've traveled extensively, speaking and hearing women's stories. Eventually, Dave and I decided to come forward with our battles, and we started doing purity seminars.

The journey has been one that I would have never chosen for myself, but nonetheless a testimony to the redemptive power of God.

Ditch The Dream!

2010-05-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

Excerpt From "We Snap in Silence"

Ditch the Dream

My unrealistic expectations of my husband took me to a pool of dissatisfaction and I began to ask the question, "What happened?" Not only were these expectations unfair to him, they were damaging our marriage. I began planning my dream wedding when I was in high school by purchasing brides books and imagining exactly what my wedding would be like. Little emphasis was put on my marriage because all my attention was put on the wedding ceremony. I had a dream and expected my husband to help make my dream come true. He didn't have a chance! I set him up for failure from the very beginning. When I shared my feelings of discontent with him, he was confused.

Today (5/4/10) is the last day for shipping "We Snap in Silence" to arrive by Mother's Day! Order via Paypal and it will be shipped today!

Second Time Around

2010-05-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I were recently talking about second marriages and I said I didn't understand why people remarried. You couldn't pay me enough to marry again if hubby and I divorced or if he died. Yeah, I know...I say that now, but I honestly believe this is one thing I'm veeery sure of.

Anyway, after I expressed my very strong feelings, hubby said, "I don't understand why people remarry either." I laughed soooo hard because he was so serious, BUT this is hubby's second marriage!

After I composed myself, he said, "I'm for real, this (our marriage) is nothing but God.

Never say never!

Pointing Fingers

2010-04-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

It's been waaaaay too long since I checked in or given an update on the love challenge. Needless to say, I failed the love challenge. Sure, I can pick it up again, but had to let you know the real deal.

Our sons had basketball tournaments over the weekend and we were at the gym aaaaall day long on Saturday and Sunday. Hungry, tired, winning, losing, yelling at refs, yelling at the boys on the court, sleepy, buying junk food, etc....Everything I mentioned is BAD food for any relationship and an open playground for Mr. and Mrs. Flesh to surface. It got reeeeal ugly. I can laugh at it now, but I wished I was Bewitched and made hubby disappear. LOL!

We're back to normal now...the way we were before the love challenge - enjoying each other and dealing with married life - the good and the bad - the happy times and the sad - the laughter and the "that's not funny" moments. Do I feel bad that I messed the love challenge up? No. Actually, I'm relieved because that was A LOT of work. Now, I can exhale and just love hubby my way. Wait a minute, who said I messed the love challenge up? It wasn't my fault! He started it! Humph.....Well, no need to point fingers....it takes two to tango, right?

It Takes TIME

2010-04-21T16:44:00.000-07:00

"Although, I'm not married. I must admit I do enjoy reading your blog. It is easy to read and often times very thought provoking. It makes me realize no matter how wonderful we (single people) think marriage can be, it is not without its challenges. But, I do believe with hard work and two willing participants. It can work."

The above was a comment on my Facebook page. I'm thankful that even the single readers benefit from the blog. It is my goal to share how to be happy even in the unhappily moments of marriage. The blogs that share all the lubby dubby stuff make me want to throw up. No marriage is always happily married UNLESS you've already been through the storms and have finally learned how to be married. It takes TIME and a good marriage evolves, it doesn't just happen when you say, "I do."

It's been sixteen years, and I'm just learning how to freely love my husband in spite of past abusive relationships. No human being should have to pay for another's actions, but we are products of our childhood, environment, peers, parents, relationships, and so many other factors.

I'm enjoying this love challenge I've taken, and I must be honest. I would not have been able to do this five years ago - it wasn't time. Now it is time for me to enjoy my husband and show affection without reservation. I thank God for mercy and another chance to show and receive love. Good grief, after 16 years, I think we deserve to be lubby dubby for a minute!

I'm laughing just wondering what the next post will be about. Will hubby rub me the wrong way tonight or will I open my mouth and insert foot? I'll be sure to keep you updated on our love challenge.

Until next time....show your spouse some love!

What's Your Foundation?

2010-04-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

What is your marriage built on?

The love challenge is going quite well - probably because I haven't been home all weekend. I was invited to speak at a woman's retreat for We Snap in Silence, so hubby was on Daddy Duty this weekend. We spoke on the telephone once while I was away. Kevin doesn't like it when I don't call and I don't like it when he calls too much. Aren't we a strange couple? It's amazing we're married and actually like each other.

Liking each other is so key - friendship is what brought us together and our friendship will help keep us together. A man will leave you in a hot minute, but a friend will be with you through thick and thin. Think about it ladies...where are all those men who SAID they loved us or those men who didn't express their love, but we gave ourselves to them anyway. That wasn't love, that was LUST!

Many couples brag about having a great sex life, but what if that sex drive decreases as age increases? What if the sex drive just disappears? Life happens, you know!

Prayerfully, your marriage is built on a foundation of spirituality, friendship, or something a little more solid than sex or money.

If you have a rocky foundation, love conquers all. Try it with the love challenge! Although things are going fine in the love challenge, I'm staying on my toes through prayer and being attentive to hubby. You've heard of the calm before the storm, right? I've got my umbrella ready juuust in case.

Squeaky Breaks Upset Love Challenge

2010-04-16T04:19:00.000-07:00

If Kevin had been home yesterday, he would have gotten a few choice words that were safely kept in my mind and I would have failed the love challenge.

Kevin recently changed the breaks on the car as he always does, but yesterday, I noticed the breaks were squeaking - loudly! What in the world? Every time I pressed the breaks, it sounded like the loudest, most irritating squeal. Grrrrr

If I had a cell phone, I would have called him ON HIS JOB and allowed those choice words to surface and destroy. I was only thinking of myself and forgetting all the other times he has saved us money by changing the breaks and doing a wonderful job. Fortunately, I was able to suppress my dissatisfaction and keep my ugly words to myself. I probably would have sounded worse than the breaks.

Believe it or not, Kevin came home from work without me saying a word and fixed the breaks. I haven't driven the car yet, but we'll see.

So, did I fail the challenge because I had a mental argument in my mind without him knowing about it? I don't think so. This is what it takes sometimes to keep my mouth shut. Thank God spouses can't read minds!

On with the challenge!

Love Challenge Update

2010-04-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

So far, so good.

Kevin and I are like oil and water. We disagree on more than we agree on. We are opposites to every degree, but it's been great experiencing the love challenge.

This morning, we had a discussion on how Kevin makes a mountain out of a mole hill. I was able to express my honest feelings without going off. I told him a wife wants to feel secure when problems in life arise, so as the head of the household, a husband needs to be that strong figure - the security blanket - not somewhere biting his nails.

No, Kevin isn't that bad, but you get the picture.

If you've decided to accept our dare and join the love challenge, send me an email and share your experience.

We Dare You!

2010-04-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I set myself up to take a love challenge. I was going to be completely loving, forgiving, and attentive to hubby without any reservations. I would speak his love language and give him all the physical touch he wanted. I would smile at him when I wanted to frown. I would uplift when I wanted to tear him down. The challenge was going to be for a full month, but after thinking about it, I knocked it down to two weeks. After thinking some more, the two weeks went to seven days, then I thought I'd just take the challenge day by day. The mere thought of the challenge exhausted me. Whew! That's a lot of work and it was definitely a set up - for failure. I know myself.

Needless to say, I've been challenging myself on a daily basis to immerse myself in loving hubby, putting his needs first, and loving him without reservations. It's actually been fun and getting easier everyday. It APPEARS that hubby has joined me in the challenge although he hasn't verbally said it. Love is contagious and habit forming.

I'll keep you posted and will definitely let you know when I slip up. It'll be kinda funny when my SELF gets in the way. I'm full of attitude and will be the first to admit it.

How about you? Are you up for the challenge? We dare you!

TV Is Not Reality

2010-04-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I had an interesting conversation about television couples and sex. I told him he watched waaaay too much television if he thought our intimacy would be anything like the tv shows. I'm sorry, there isn't a tv show on that portrays the reality of a married couple and sex - especially a married couple with children - well, maybe Everybody Loves Raymond.

Most wives don't go to bed with make up on nor do they wake up looking like they walked out of the beauty salon. Give me a break!

Most wives are so tired when it's time for bed, they simply want to roll over and go to sleep - not roll over on their husbands and initiate sex.

It would be nice to use the rest of the house to enjoy intimacy, but with children, you better be behind closed and locked doors. The kitchen counter is just not happening.

Men are visual and this is probably why they watch so much tv, but expecting the sex life to measure up to what they watch on television is a set up for disappointment. Even adult movies are a lie. Lies - lies - lies, but men enjoy watching...for the thrill?

I guess wives are just as much to blame by watching soap operas. I use to be a soap addict, but knew then that I wasn't watching the real world!

Turn the television off and enjoy the reality of sex in marriage.

How Do You Say Thank You?

2010-04-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

Since hubby and I have been married, he's made it quite clear how he prefers to be thanked when he's earned 'brownie points' or completed something on his 'honey do' list.

It all begin with a screen door I wanted when we lived in San Diego. After hubby purchased and put the screen door up, I thanked him over and over again. A couple days later, he says to me, "You still haven't thanked me." Excuse me? After he gave me the 'google eyed' look, I got the message. Ohhhh...that's how you want to be thanked!

I'm convinced men think about sex ~~all~~ most of their waking hours.

If you read the previous post, hubby had to remind me of his desired thank you gift. LOL!

So, a thank you note, a special dinner, an unexpected gift or even a foot massage would be appreciated by your husband, but most men want the physical thanks that really says THANK YOU!

A New Position

2010-04-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry, we're not talking about a new sex position, but something better!

How many of you come home from work and SIT in your favorite chair for the rest of the evening? Uh...I believe that's called a couch potato isn't it? I know those of you working jobs requiring manual or mental labor come home exhausted and want nothing, but to rest your body for the next work day.

Hubby and I have a phrase that we say when we're about to SIT... Assume the Position!

This means we are prepared to sit on our behind in front of the television for the rest of the evening. Yes, it's usually hubby Assuming the Position! and I appreciate his 'warning' because I know he's had a long, hard day and to not ask him to do anymore labor driven jobs.

Weeeeeell, yesterday hubby came home and found a new position! That's him in the photo above changing the vacuum cleaner bag and cleaning behind the refrigerator PLUS he repaired a leak the refrigerator had. You go, boiiiiiiii. When he finished, I told him he deserved to Assume the Position.

A couch potato spouse can be hard to peel away from the sitting position, but keep in mind...for a man to work all day, he believes (in his mind) that it is his divine right to come home and Assume the Position! Not only does he believe this, but he also believes he is the King of the castle and he expects to be served!

Do You Know?

2010-03-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

Favorite color, favorite food, favorite television show, etc... We probably know these things about our spouse, but do we know what they like in the area of intimacy? Many couples tend to assume they know how to please their spouse, but they aren't called fantasies for nothing!

Sex isn't a dinner table topic, but it should definitely be discussed. Have you asked your spouse what their desires are? Do you know? Do you care? LOL!

I know what hubby's likes and dislikes are, but he has to remind me FREQUENTLY. Why? Because I allow complacency to settle in this area, but he does a great job reminding me!

For the ladies with the 'I have a headache' or 'just get it over with' attitude....take care of your business or....well...someone may be waiting in the wind to take care of it for you!

Complacent romance and unmet sexual needs lead to doors we do NOT want to open.

If you haven't asked your spouse about his/her needs and desires lately, place it on your to-do list. Also, remember that as couples mature and grow older, needs and desires change.
Your spouse may not have the same wants as when you first married.

Needs and wants are obviously different with men and women, but with communication, I'm sure you and your spouse can find the merriment in the middle.

Forgiveness After Adultery

2010-03-25T19:03:00.001-07:00

Bless his heart. Tiger Woods is back home and now the never-ending work begins to rebuild the marriage.

My heart goes out to any marriage dealing with infidelity. If hubby has ever had an affair, I believe God has not allowed me to be aware of it because I'd be gone - history. It's the ultimate betrayal and I think a wife or husband is more than courageous to even THINK about trusting again. I'm not sure I have it in me and yes, it would have to be an act of God for me to stay.

Never say never - I know. I realize I don't know what I'd do until actually in the situation, but right now - today - after all I've already been through... I'm sorry, but you gotta go. Enough is enough! I'm exhausted even thinking about going through a storm of infidelity.

I have several friends who have fought for their marriage after infidelity and are traveling the difficult road to trust again. I thank God they are in my life as examples because I come from a family of women who pop their skirt and keep walking - away to the next man. Uh...sorry, why in the heezie would I want another man?

As I continue to say over and over - to each his own. YOU are the one to live with your decision, so don't let anyone influence your choice or the destiny of the marriage.

The true story we've been following about a wife who is traveling the road of forgiveness and trust offers a few tips for wives who have discovered adultery and chosen to stay. When time permits, read I don't believe dad. I think he's still cheating on you.

unHappy Wives

2010-03-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I know more unhappy wives than I do happy wives. I asked hubby why he thought so many wives were unhappy and his reply was, "Somebody isn't doing their job."

I did a little research and noticed the most frequent post visited on this site was titled Neglected Husbands. I continued my research and noticed the most googled words to bring visitors to this site were - unhappily married, neglected husband, spouse neglect - Hmmm...dare I try to come to a conclusion?

Hubby and I talked a little more about this and there is a very simple concept we came up with that has helped our marriage. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Sounds crazy, but it's true.

The more we are loved, the more we reciprocate love. The more you sacrifice for me, the more I'll sacrifice for you. If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Everyone wants to be loved and admired and this is the problem - we WAIT to be loved and admired instead of INITIATING love and admiration.

It's an easy concept when the spouse is easy to love, but if you're married to a stick in the mud grump doing his or her own thing and ignoring the heck out of you and maybe even disrespecting you, showing love requires major effort - almost an out of body experience.

I hate to bring sex into the picture, but it sure is a driving force in marriage. If sex isn't happening, the marriage isn't happening and guaranteed to suffer in some form or fashion.

However intimacy is defined in your marriage - have it - lots of it. Remember....sex is a man's medicine and he'll die without it. Yeah, I said it.

No Friends Allowed!

2010-03-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

A personal experience on friendship in marriage.

Telephone rings

Me: Hello

Woman Caller: May I speak to Kevin?

Me: Sure, who's speaking?

Woman caller turns into ignorant caller: I asked to speak to Kevin (with attitude!)

Me: hesitation - Just a minute. Hands hubby the phone and tells him to take care of his ignorant FRIEND.

Hubby: Begins conversation with ignorant caller and it's quite obvious he doesn't know how to tell his ignorant FRIEND she crossed the line in our new marriage. After all, they were FRIENDS!

Hubby: still talking

Me: looking at hubby like he's growing another bald head

Me: Decided to be the helpmate I was called to be, so I snatched the phone from hubby and HELPED him with his difficult situation. I explained to ignorant FRIEND that hubby is now married and please don't call and disrespect our home anymore.

Ignorant caller: explains she and hubby were FRIENDS before we married. She had the nerve to emphasize "BEFORE"

Me: can't say what I wanted to say, but kindly ended the conversation and hung up the phone because I realized I was dealing with a woman with no respect or understanding of MARRIAGE.

At church the very next day (YES, she went to church with us), this ignorant caller sat right in front of me and didn't say a word or acknowledge my presence. Ha! church folk! I made sure she saw me and I spoke to her. I wanted to snatch her hair and throw her with all her holy ignorance across the pews, but remembered I was supposed to have the mind of worship and not whipping behind. &^%$#!!!!!

Platonic relationships in marriage DO NOT WORK!

We're Just Friends - Yeah, Right!

2010-03-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

Platonic Relationships

I really should open the floor for comments on this one. So many different opinions based on experiences. The only experience I have is my own and I vote NO - no such animal as a platonic relationship in a marriage. I've tried it and it doesn't work.

Sure, if you have friends of the opposite sex that you only see or speak to once every blue moon then this type friendship is safe - it can exist, but to see a friend of the opposite sex OFTEN and meet for an occasional dinner or drink and chit chat on the phone - NO WAY!

Someone's emotions will cross the magic line. Someone will fall in love or desire more time. Someone's attraction will grow waaaaay past the friendship attraction line. It's the nature of - human nature - it's bound to happen!

Years ago, I listened to a conversation with a married couple I use to babysit for. The husband believed a platonic relationship could work and the wife disagreed. After listening to both sides, I agreed with the husband. I was only in high school, but my young mind couldn't understand the wife's reasoning. Good grief woman, you can't have friends? What's wrong with you? Well, a few years later I joined the Navy and realized why this wife felt the way she did. A man's definition of 'friend' is different from a woman's definition. Men SLEEP with their friends! LOL!

Unfortunately, while overseas, I also received news that this couple divorced. Hmmm....wish I could share the details with you, but let's just say...platonic relationships in a marriage DO NOT work!

I had a friend from high school contact me and I was thrilled to hear from him. We were great friends in school. The phone calls became more frequent and I begin to feel uncomfortable. I had to end the calls. I was married and so was he. It just wasn't right. Although he didn't see any harm in our talking, I followed my instinct. I thought about hubby's feelings and better yet...how would I feel if some woman kept calling the house for him? Excuse me? You MUST have the wrong number! There must be a high level of respect in marriage.

Remember the song Just a Friend?

Oh Baby, yooooou. You got what I neeeeed. But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend. Oh baby yoooou. You got what I neeeeed. But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend.

Beware of Emotional Affairs

2010-03-15T00:26:00.000-07:00

Hubby doesn't have a Facebook page, but I do. He knows my password and will occasionally get on to search for old schoolmates and friends. I usually suggest he get his own page, but he's completely content using mine. Whatever!

We have separate email addresses and although I use Outlook and it's easily accessed without a password, he has a Hotmail account that I don't have access to nor do I care to.

The Internet is a beautiful tool and does wonders for my business, but if not careful, can be hell on my marriage. The Internet is an open door to relationships that seem to just pop up like unwanted ads. These pop up affairs happen out of nowhere. An occasional exchange of words or the need for a listening ear can lead to sinking sand. Before you know it, you're having an emotional affair with an old friend or maybe even a stranger. Facebook friends can lead to strong emotional bonds, which eventually hurts intimacy in the marriage.

If you haven't discussed Internet use with your spouse, you might want to. I tell hubby all the time that I'm an open book - I have nothing to hide. I do much of my work on the computer after everyone goes to bed because it is quiet. If the trust between hubby and I were shaky, this would never work. There is nothing worse than waking up at two or three o'clock in the morning and finding your spouse on the Internet.

If you feel discussing this isn't necessary in your marriage, that's fine, but if there is a feeling in your gut of some strange or inappropriate Internet usage going on - don't ignore it. I consider an emotional affair infidelity without sex while others may see no harm in it. To each his own, but hubby won't be chatting with Lonely in Las Vegas in this house!

Coming next - Are platonic relationships possible in a marriage?

Read the true story of one's wife's discovery of an Internet affair

Masturbation in Marriage - Is it okay?

2010-03-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

The Red Flags post brought much discussion to my email and I appreciate those who aren't afraid to be honest. How boring it would be if we all thought the same!

Masturbation is more common that I was aware of in my private, little reserved world and it seems many therapist encourage couples not to make a big deal about masturbation if both husband and wife communicate their needs and accept that masturbation is okay and healthy for THEIR marriage, yet another group says masturbation is wrong and unhealthy in marriage.

I'd like to share an email I received:

"Masturbation is a very good thing! My husband travels and I would NOT have made it through months of separation and he wouldn't have either! Masturbation is MUCH better than turning to someone else for satisfaction and I'm so glad there is that option."

Below are a couple of websites I came across as I did some research on masturbation in marriage before sharing this post. There are pros and cons, so once again - find out what works best in YOUR marriage. Communication is key!

Can Masturbation Ruin a Marriage?

The Marriage Bed

Do You Know The Red Flags?

2010-03-10T03:47:00.000-08:00

In the previous post, I mentioned giving "Every Man's Challenge" to my husband to read and how it took him months to pick it up and actually read it. What man wants to stop lusting, masturbating, and viewing porn? Well, I believe most do, but studies show that 83% of men will do anything to avoid dealing with problems in their marriages (Every Man's Challenge).

A wife can desperately pray for her husband to change and express her desires to him for years and years while he shows little to no response to her desires. He's got to make up his mind to live a life of sexual purity. Every Man's Challenge is spiritually based, yet not only for married men - single men and even women can benefit also. It not only deals with sexual battles, but many more. Reading the book helped me tremendously.

Below are Red Flags mentioned in the book that help to know if you or your spouse is dealing with sexual immorality. I added all italicized words.

Do you daydream about other women/men?

Are you finding your wife/husband to be less sexually satisfying?

When making love to your wife/husband, does another face flash across your mind?

Do you flirt - and know you're doing it?

Have you told your wife that she is too overweight to turn you on?

Do you have sexual interests or behaviors that you can't share with your wife/husband?

Do you communicate deeply with a person of the opposite sex in an Internet chat room?

Do you channel-surf hoping to glimpse something racy on television? Do you catch yourself watching voyeuristic shows like elimiDate?

Do you watch women's figure skating or women's beach volleyball on television, although you have little interest in these sports? Hmmm....

Do you turn on exercise shows just so you can enjoy those closeups of participants' breasts, rear ends, and inner thighs?

Do you rent videos or go to the movies where you can watch other people having sex?

Do you think about old girlfriends/boyfriends when things aren't going so well at home?

Do you dream about hot scenes with other women/men at night?

There were more red flags on the list, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Some may disagree with the list or think it's downright ridiculous, but as for hubby and I - our standards are high in the area of respect for one another in our marriage. We've been down this road of sexual immorality in our marriage and trust me, sexual purity in marriage is another world we both enjoy and benefit from.

Your marriage may be more lenient as to what is allowed. As I've stated before, find what works best for your marriage and make it work, but you can't say you didn't know what some of the red flags were!

When Looking Turns to Lusting

2010-03-05T10:03:00.000-08:00

These Victoria Secret models come into our home quite frequently without invitation. They parade around the television screen in skimpy, revealing bras and panties looking right into the eyes of my husband.

Hubby and I have very open conversations about the temptations men experience and the thin line between looking and lusting. I use to get upset when he looked at other women, but years of his 'looking' allowed me to realize this is what men do and there is no escaping it.

When looking turns to lust and lusting turns into masturbation is when the serious problem arises. If a man says he doesn't struggle with desires to look at beautiful, sexy women, he is not telling the truth (my opinion). I was convinced of this by my father, hubby, and the book, Every Man's Challenge. Did you read the title correctly? It says EVERY man's challenge - yes, your man too.

A wife once told me her husband didn't have this struggle. "Great!" I said, and walked away thinking how deceived and ignorant she was to her husband being a man. Maybe she was in denial or maybe her husband is gay, but I WANT my husband to look at other women. It's when looking turns to lust is when the problem begins.

Hubby mentioned how women are constantly thrown in front of men while they simply try to enjoy a televised sporting event or a good movie. The commercial begins and there she is...licking her fingers while eating a hamburger, lotioning her long legs, washing her hair while moaning, or if they're lucky, the Victoria Secret girls will make an appearance.

Men struggle constantly with uninvited reminders of their strong, sexual desires. I believe it's my role as hubby's helper to help him with this issue. How did I help hubby? I purchased the book, Every Man's Challenge and read it myself. I then gave it to hubby. It took him months and months to pick the book up and read it, but he did - finally. Does he still struggle? Of course, but he knows what to do when those thoughts come. He's more aware and so am I.

Parting Our Communication Curtains

2010-03-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

Hubby was off work today and had an early appointment and a few errands to run.

Below is our morning conversation:

Me: Hey! Since you're off work today, you can take Firstborn to school!

Hubby: Uh....

Me: I sure would love you for it!

Hubby: I know you would.

Me: Well, would you, could you for a bear? Would you, could you, show you care?

Hubby: Uh...what are you going to be doing... just sitting at home?

Me: LOL Hysterically Uh....does that bother you?

Hubby: I get a day off and you want me to go all the way to the other side of town in the opposite direction of where I'm going? You would do that to me on my day off?

Me: laughing hysterically again - even louder. Can I blog about this?

Hubby: No, I'm not taking him. I know you would love me for it, but no, not today.

Me: Okay, repeat what you said again because I want to get this right on the blog. You're funny!

I walk into the kitchen to cook breakfast.

Later: Hubby walks in and says, "I'll take him."

Me: Silently screaming, mentally doing cartwheels while flipping pancakes. THANK YOU!

Working On Marriage

2010-03-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

"Whew! Get another wife. I'm tired!"

That statement sounds so ugly, but I've said it before - in my mind. Hubby is high-maintenance and I must admit, I've gotten pretty tired of meeting his special needs as a man and as my husband. I mention in my book how a wife is called to be a helper to her husband, but can hardly help herself!

When I think about it, there have been plenty of other projects and endeavors that I've poured my heart and soul into and did whatever it took to make it work. Marriage is no different, but we tend to get comfortable with the one thing most important to us - our spouse.

Careers, education, social clubs, new businesses, ministry, you name it, when we want something bad enough we do whatever is necessary to make it work.

Marriage requires the same, if not more, energy, time, hard work, perseverance, and determination. How much time did you put in your job yesterday? How much time did you put in your marriage yesterday? We reap what we sow, so if things are not dandy like candy in our marriage, it's time to pull the sleeves up and work a little harder.

The un-happy moments we experience in matrimony are great reminders of the time we put into our marriage. The un-happy moments are like shocks of electricity that we need to do what is necessary to step back and re-evaluate our actions.

Get to work! Don't sleep on the job! Put in some overtime!
Do whatever it takes to make it work!

Of course we'll get tired, but we've got to keep on pushing!

Don't Let Religion Run Your Husband Away

2010-02-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

As a spiritual woman, I strive to become more Christ-controlled in all my actions - especially towards hubby. What I don't want to do is drive hubby away as I 'get closer' to God.

Church-going wives sometimes have difficulty in this area. We cross the line from living a holy life to being holier than thou husband.

I have to remind myself (still) that I am not my husband's self appointed judge. I use to think I was doing the right thing by quoting scripture, correcting, and being an example to hubby. Oh yea, I was being an excellent example - of how to be a hypocrite. I was so holy that I was no earthly good - to anyone.

The conversation in my marriage, the sex, intimacy, fun, and everything else was sucked out of it because I didn't know how to be a fun-loving, Christian wife.

I'm much better now. I may not like the horror and guts hubby enjoys watching, but I will sit and watch TV with him (sometimes), instead of saying what the Bible says about it. I have my limits and he knows what they are.

I may not agree with some of the food or the amount hubby eats, but instead of telling him to take better care of his temple, I'll just shut up and not hide the cookies I'll eat later. I don't eat pork, chicken, or beef, but I'll kill for chocolate.

I may not want to try fun things in the bedroom, but the missionary position gets old to a man. Have you ever heard that a man likes a lady on his arm during the day and a freak in the bed at night. Church women don't like to hear this, but many men will agree this is true.

Sometimes we gotta mount that horse and ride in the night.

Relax a little, laugh instead of complain, recognize your own faults, throw that stiff necked shirt away, make a mud pie instead of being the stick in the mud, leave God's son ALONE, learn to love and accept him right where he is because this is the example of the love and forgiveness that draws a husband closer to his wife.

If you think I was holier than thou, you must read this true story we've been following.

Crazy Conflict in Marriage

2010-02-26T04:08:00.000-08:00

Frequency of sex, how to spend money, how to discipline the children, practicing religion...or not, etc....

CONFLICT. Many marriages are ashamed or afraid to admit that conflict lives in their marriage. If you have a normal marriage, you have to have conflict. The only way to not have conflict in your marriage is to be married, but live separate lives - "You do your thing, and I'll do mine." I've actually said this to hubby before during one of our heated ~~arguments~~ discussions.

Conflict is a good thing and very important in a marriage! Well, let me put it this way - there is good conflict and there is bad conflict. How we handle our conflict is the key!

Marriage calls for two people with their own brain, ideas, and thoughts to make decisions together, solve problems, handle misunderstandings, and deal with miscommunication. If you sometimes argue, have disagreements, and think your spouse is crazy for some of the things they say and do, then you have a normal marriage - as abnormal as it seems.

Hubby and I are different in MANY areas of our life. When he's hot, I'm cold. When he's hungry, I'm not. He likes to spend, I like to save. He believes in living for the moment, I believe in planning for the future. He eats all types of meat, I eat only fish. He likes kool-aid, I like tea. He's a pack rat, I like to throw away. He likes science fiction, I like true stories. He likes buffet, I like to be served. I could go on, and on, and on, but how we deal with our likes and dislikes and our many differences of opinion on a DAILY basis is what will strengthen or break down our marriage.

Go ahead, enjoy that heated discussion, but keep the heat manageable. Conflict is crazy, but it's a part of a normal marriage.

Treat Me Like A Stranger!

2010-02-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about how you talk to your spouse? I mean really thought about it. Now, think about how you talk to your co-workers or people you deal with from day to day - especially in public places.

Isn't it funny how we turn it on for those co-workers that are difficult to get along with? What about the ones we flat out dislike and wish we didn't have to work with at all. We do what is necessary to get through the day with a half way pleasant demeanor without causing conflict.

At home, it can be a different story. If we feel like being a grump, we're a grump. If we don't feel like talking, we let that be known, but those co-workers will get a fake smile, a decent conversation, and maybe even an insincere laugh or two. Why is this?

I remember having this conversation with hubby one day. He came home from work very tired and I'm sure he just wanted to relax and unwind; he probably smiled and practiced being cordial all day long. His answers were short, so I asked him if we could play the stranger game. In other words, let's pretend we're strangers because we talk to strangers and co-workers a lot better than we talk to each other. Was I being sensitive? Maybe, but it's the truth. If we can turn it on at work, let's turn it on at home.

Granted, home is supposed to be the place where you can unwind, be yourself, and take off the I like you mask, but let's not forget the most important person in our life is our spouse. Our spouse is there for us (should be) when nobody else will be there. Our spouse knows our dirt and our secrets. Our spouse knows what nobody else knows. Our spouse loves us when we take off the mask.

Let's turn it on for our spouse and pretend we're strangers. I'm a witness...this one works. LOL!

We Don't Wear Wedding Rings

2010-02-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

After reading Part XIII of the True Series of a Wife Discovering Adultery, hubby and I thought we'd share something about ourselves most couples frown upon. No, we aren't swingers!

We decided not to wear wedding rings about a year ago. GASP! What?!

You read it correctly, we stopped wearing wedding rings a while ago because there was so much tension when the rings came off. Hubby's job requires him to remove his ring often, which was fine with me - as long as he put it back on. One day his ring broke, and the mere mention of me purchasing another ring brought up MUCH conversation that led to me taking mine off. What was my issue with our wedding rings? Did the wedding rings add a level of trust or commitment to our marriage or were we wearing the rings for those outside our marriage?

You know what? If an object is going to cause that much confusion, get rid of it!

We are now in a place in our marriage that doesn't require an object of faithfulness or affection. It's not about what's on our finger, but about what's in our heart. Wearing or not wearing rings really isn't about trusting your spouse, but about trusting yourself.

I asked myself several questions...

Does a so-called symbol of matrimony define our marriage

Why do I feel better when hubby wears his ring?

Are our rings defense mechanisms from adulterous acts?

Do I feel differently when I don't have my ring on? Why?

Does my level of trust change when hubby isn't wearing his ring?

Why do I put so much emphasis on where his ring is? Where his heart is should be my concern!
Did I make my vows to God or to my rings?

Needless to say...I feel FREE without a wedding ring - FREE from the bondage of what the ring is supposed to represent. FREE from the bondage of my expectations of a tangible object.

If a wedding ring has so much power, why are there so many divorces and so much infidelity going on - even more so in the church - where the ring is supposed to be sacred? Hmmm...

Should I Confront My Spouse?

2010-02-21T15:26:00.000-08:00

Missing money, excessive cell phone calls, pornography, drugs, infidelity, alcohol, laziness, late nights at the office, lies, etc...

Whatever your spouse's black hole is, confronting them at the right time and place with the right words is crucial.

I was always hesitant about confronting (regarding any issue) because I didn't know WHAT to say. Some spouses will confront immediately out of anger, yet this only adds tension to an already difficult confrontation. If you don't have a solution lined up, what do you expect to resolve? If you aren't a qualified counselor in the particular area, are you ready to receive the truth, lies, denial, an argument of defense, or a request for help?

Spiritual couples have to learn to trust the Holy Spirit in the spouse to do the confronting. When you think about it, God really does NOT need our help, but we feel it's our job to confront and correct. Don't get me wrong, communication is important, but communicating with the right words is even more important.

There is no doubt, you will be led to say exactly what is necessary at the right time, in the right place, with the right heart, and the right words if you depend on God to handle His child.

If you want to handle things on your own, be ready for anything and everything!

If you choose not to confront, your spouse may continue slipping deeper into the black hole.
Accountablity is so important in marriage - in every area.

Don't forget...you have a black hole also. You may not think it is as extreme as your spouse's issue, but God doesn't weigh or label our issue. He LOVES us regardless of what the issue is and is ready to love and forgive with no conditions. Are you?

We're Still Married!

2010-02-19T06:37:00.000-08:00

"We're still married!"

This is what I said to hubby this morning when he wished me a happy anniversary. Yep, today is our 16th wedding anniversary and it is only by the grace of God that we are still married.

I know we wouldn't have a thing to celebrate today if we had not shared the gift of forgiveness with each other.

A few years ago while at church, a guest preacher challenged everyone to search their heart regarding forgiveness. He mentioned harboring unforgiveness breaks our fellowship with God. There is nothing worse in my book than hindering my relationship with God, so I searched my heart with great humility. No person came to mind except my husband who was at home. I can't remember what was going on between us, but we were definitely going through a serious storm. I don't even think we were speaking. I hate living in tension, but we are both stubborn people, so we were waiting on each other to make a move.

I remember driving home and crying so hard I could hardly see. I didn't want to ask for forgiveness or give forgiveness, but I needed to do both. I didn't think I had anything to ask for forgiveness about, but I had to suffocate Miss Flesh who was overflowing with pride and false holiness.

Hubby was in the bed when I got home, so I was relieved. Good, I don't have to do this tonight.

I then remembered the preacher said to forgive TONIGHT and not let another day pass. Sigh...

I mustered up some nerves, prayed, and walked into our bedroom and told hubby I had something to say. He answered in a way that let me know he wasn't asleep anyway.

Well, I told him what happened in church and how I felt the need to ask for forgiveness and to offer forgiveness for everything that has ever happened in our marriage - known and unknown acts. It was short and sweet and not as painful as I thought it would be and Hubby graciously accepted the unexpected gift of forgiveness.

Minutes later, hubby and the boys and I were in the kitchen talking and laughing like nothing ever happened. I promise you, not only was our marriage restored, but the entire family was restored - suddenly.

That night of forgiveness in our home was like a night of breaking down steel walls. Did we ever have to forgive again? Of course, but this night showed me the awesome power of forgiveness in a way I had never experienced. Not only did it free hubby, but it freed me - to live in peace. It also showed me how God can move mountains if I move my prideful, judgemental, selfish ways out of His way. Ouuuuch, that hurts!

Love really does conquer all and forgiveness is one of the greatest acts of love.

Picture Perfect Marriage

2010-02-18T14:08:00.000-08:00

The picture of Tiger Woods and his wife kissing is a little blurry, but isn't this the case with most marriages? You see one thing, but the reality of another couple's marriage is a blur to everyone else. Behind closed doors is a life of reality of two people learning to love one another through the many bumps and bruises of the game of life they play.

Could you? Would you?

Forgive or not?

With all my recent talk about the power of forgiveness, I'm not sure how I would handle this one. The RIGHT thing to do would be to forgive, but that doesn't mean I have to remain married does it? Or does it?

The bottom line is, only YOU can make this decision. Only YOU are the one who has to live with the decision. Only YOU are the one that has to deal with the constant replays in your mind of the betrayal. Only YOU are the one that has to sleep with him/her at night. Only YOU would be denying yourself of freedom if you don't forgive. Only YOU would miss out on the change forgiveness can bring about in your marriage IF you forgive. Only YOU know the depth of your love for your spouse.

Life...you reap what you sow.

Forgiving Your Spouse

2010-02-17T05:14:00.001-08:00

Forgiveness is the most powerful tool I know in marriage. It has changed several things SUDDENLY in our marriage.

Even when I didn't think I had anything to ask for forgiveness about, asking for forgiveness opened amazing doors in our relationship.

When we've betrayed, lied, or done or said something to hurt our spouse, we don't expect immediate forgiveness. We naturally look for anger, ugly words, silence, and a few other hurtful yet deserving acts.

The act of forgiveness is so powerful because it shows love when love isn't deserved and love conquers EVERYTHING - I believe this with all my heart.

It doesn't matter if your spouse is doing something you don't agree with, has done something in the past that you can't forget, or has made choices unacceptable to you - they deserve forgiveness. Even if you are contemplating divorce, forgiveness changes the heart.

If you spend much of your time thinking of the actions of your spouse that anger you, you definitely need to forgive. Not only are you wasting precious mental space and time, but you are keeping yourself from moving forward in life! I know!

These constant unforgiving thoughts eventually will cause great stress, which leads to unnecessary health problems. Don't let unforgiveness kill you! Kill your spouse with love and forgiveness.

Coming next... A powerful forgiving moment that saved our marriage.

Love Yourself

2010-02-15T07:13:00.001-08:00

I am well aware that yesterday was a very difficult day for many spouses - male and female.

If you had an okay day, thank God for it, but there are many couples who didn't, thus the reason for UN Happily Married.

As I mentioned before, I choose not to celebrate Valentine's Day to protect myself from being disappointed by my own expectations. I really ~~hate~~ dislike Valentine's Day because it stirs up so many sad emotions among a lot of people. What's the purpose? Why can't we show love everyday? I sure do try and it makes these once a year celebrations a whole lot easier to live through.

For the sake of my sons' future wives, I have to show them that their Mama isn't a woman completely crazy and void of emotion, so for breakfast everyone received a heart shaped pancake for breakfast and I baked our favorite chocolate cake for dinner - dessert of course. As far as exchanging gifts, cards, or special love taps between hubby and I - there was none and I was happy about it. It would have been a slap in my face if he had done anything out of the ordinary. I'm sorry, that's the way I see this man-made day and I'm glad it's over!

If you were disappointed, why not begin today by loving yourself. Why wait for the actions of another person to make you feel special and loved? You might be waiting a long time!

Living in a house full of men has definitely taught me that a man is going to take care of himself, so since I couldn't beat them, I joined them! I'm taking care of ME also!! Everyday, I do something special for ME. These small 'do me' treats don't cost a penny, but they are worth gold to my Self and my peace of mind!

LOVING YOURSELF WILL FREE YOU TO LOVE YOUR SPOUSE...more!

2010-02-14T06:18:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day

Loving yourself will free you to love your spouse ...

today and everyday!

Rape Me!

2010-02-12T03:43:00.000-08:00

Hubby: "Did you come to bed last night?"

Me: "Yes, you didn't know?"

Hubby: "No."

Me: "My goodness, I could have raped you and you wouldn't have known it."

Hubby: "Rape me!"

If you don't receive anything else from UN Happily Married, know that sex is crucial in marriage.

If you aren't having sex because of discord or being in the middle of a 'dry' or 'stormy' season, just do it! HAVE SEX!

Sex may be what is needed to draw you and your spouse back together. If it's been a while, surprise your spouse with a special Valentine's gift...yourself!

Don't Be So Predictable!

2010-02-10T05:19:00.001-08:00

This morning as I was saying goodbye to hubby, I wrapped my leg around him and kissed him goodbye. His eyes lightened up and he said, "Wow, where is that in the bedroom?"

I told my dear hubby that sex must begin in the morning, not just at night. I think it was the leg being wrapped around him that caught him off guard - I've never done that before - it wasn't the usual predictable kiss goodbye.

To keep a marriage from going stale, try something new! Be unpredictable! This doesn't mean ONLY the bedroom!

One of my most favorite songs is actually titled Unpredictable. I love it and often sing it to hubby to let him know....uh....can we do something else besides sit and watch t.v.? LOL!

I apologize if the content of the video offends you; try to concentrate on the words.

Are You Taking Care Of Business?

2010-02-08T11:17:00.000-08:00

Husband or wife... Can you sing this song and know your words are true?

It's true that some men/women are just never satisfied, but all you can do is your part.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7HoxLX2D5k

A Neglected Husband

2010-02-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

As a wife and mother, it's so easy to pay attention to the little people's needs before I meet the needs of hubby. We were married for waaay tooooo many years before I realized hubby's needs needed to come before the children's. I didn't understand this at first. How in the world was I supposed to meet the needs of a grown man before I changed a diaper or fed my children? Well, that's it...those aren't the needs that are begging for attention. Remember, being a helper is a little deeper than we think.

As for the husbands. It's also easy to be that strong father figure and forget a tender woman is behind the scenes needing love and attention also. We'll address this in another post.

What are the signs of a neglected husband? Do you know? If not, why not ask your husband if he ever feels neglected or at the bottom of the food chain in your home.

I hate to say it, but I will. Men are big boys all grown up and yes, they want undivided attention also.

If most men have their physical needs met, they are good to go all day and night. Others may desire more quality time with you. Then there are some that need to be stroked emotionally more than others. The key is to find out what makes your husband tick.

Below is a short conversation hubby and I had about husband neglect.

Me: "Do you ever feel neglected?"

Hubby: thinking and smiling

Me: "Is it a physical neglect?"

Hubby: "No, we already conquered sex, so I guess not. Oh yea, when you fall asleep when we're watching a movie."

Sigh...my husband's number one love language is without a shadow of a doubt - physical touch. It's good to know what husbands need. When hubby and I took a course titled The Five Love Languages, it enhanced our marriage in so many ways. When we follow the principles taught in the book, it's like being a newlywed couple all over again.

Find out what your husband's love language is here.

Do You Need Heart Surgery?

2010-02-05T04:43:00.000-08:00

If this picture looks a little gross to your or maybe just plain nasty, just think if we could see our ugly actions and thoughts on our hearts. Now THAT would be gross!

It's hard to believe that we could be the cause of some of the 'unhappily' in our happily married life. Searching your own heart and your own thoughts may be a rude awakening.

I have to constantly check myself and especially my thoughts. Our negative thinking in life definitely spills over to our marriage.

Are you an optimistic person or do you find fault with everything and everyone?

Do you find the good in all situations?

Do you try to find good traits in others

Do you complain when it rains? Hmmm

Does your heart beat to the sound of music or mess

If you are a person that is never satisfied and constantly finding something to complain about, maybe it's time for a little heart surgery. Your marriage will not get better until YOU get better.

Check your thought

Check your actions

Check for any bitterness that may be lingering

Check for a complaining spirit

Check to see if you've given any compliments today. Hmmm

FORGIVE!!

A little heart surgery is the perfect 'V' Day gift!

Love The Hell Out Of Your Spouse

2010-02-03T08:27:00.000-08:00

I'm perfectly aware that everyone doesn't have a spouse who is easy to love. Hubby and I have been there.

Yesterday, I baked heart shaped Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, and attached a love note to them for hubby... just because. Hubby was very appreciative and even booked a dinner date for us this weekend. Wow! It hasn't always been like this, thus the reason for this site.

There have been times where we've been so selfish, stubborn, and stuck on ourselves that it didn't matter what the other did. Better yet, don't even attempt because I'm not interested!

Bitterness and wounded emotions from past hurts play a big part in showing and receiving love. Playing teenage games and stirring up jealousy and insecurities only hinders love. I didn't learn to love until I got married. Being in love takes no effort, but loving in hard times is laborious!

Love is work. Love is about meeting your spouse's needs and desires without looking for immediate returns. Love is being able to put your feelings on the line regardless of the outcome. Love is being an example of the love of God - a love none of us will ever perfect. Love is being humble and considering your spouse's needs before your own. Yes, love is work and it's more difficult when the spouse is acting ~~like a butt~~ unlovable.

Someone in the marriage must be the love initiator to get the marriage on track. There were times when hubby and I waited on each other to make a move like we were playing chess - not realizing precious time in our life and marriage were passing by.

Everyone has a need for love - everyone. If your spouse seems to be a grouch or just in an ugly mood or flat out doesn't want to be bothered, love the hell out of them! Continue to show love until the hell is chased away. I'm a believer that love conquers all - I'm a witness!

Get ready for the long haul and put on your thick skin because it won't be easy.
Do it in the name of love - do your part!